Ghosts from the past

They will never seize me,
no matter how they try.

My part for one Finnish contest organized by impalae and Kipine. A character contest it is, more specifically your dearest character -contest.
I guess no-one is surprised that I choose this damn thing. Or, if you are surprised... well, you haven't looked at my gallery that much, have you? :-D I wasn't surprised myself at all either. I did facedesk a little, but honestly, even though I'm very sorry for especially some of my other characters for choosing Deadache, there really were no other choices.
Why? Because that damn thing has decided to become something more than just a character. She's all the darkness² in me I can't really bring out effectively so I ease shards of it through this character; she's the one I've actively dragged around with me (and at times, other way around) for the longest period of time, she's my oldest rpg-character still in rpg use, and still I keep finding new characteristics from her personality; and most importantly, she's something that strengthens me. Deadache has became quite an iconic character, and yet I'm not sure do I like her habit of "blackening" up the reputation of my other characters too in the eyes of other people with all her villainous traits, I can't but be happy about owning a character that has come this far. And knowing that this happened actually just by accident, growing slowly by the time... Oh, it's just like it was meant to happen, haha. Because, well, to be totally honest, I created this character just out of my frustration with how people usually depict their female characters, and how they very rarely are made insane or not that pleasing to look at. She was born through a dream (and I was really happy about that back then; I remember I was a bit envious when my rpg-friends had characters that were based off of a dream, so when I had a dream of a character, I felt I had accomplished something) and through me going a little crazy all over the place. So I combined all my frustrations into this character, I made her ugly, I made her an insane murderer (without being mad with the classic "black widow/enchanteress" way, which is most usual way to depict crazy ladies, I think) with around none stereotypically feminine traits about her. In a way, she's even a little parodical character in her personality and looks, and yet I have a little mixed feelings about going to that much into an extreme with her, I can't just imagine her any other way anymore. Deadache is what she is, no can do. Not that I really even would want to change her.
I've also learned quite much through Deadache. Some simple things not really worth mentioning, but one thing has really occurred to me now... Can you recognize that one shadow there in that picture, that one most near to Deadache? Well, if you can't, I tell you, it's Korass. Or Sarthois, as he was known as before his life went drastically downhill because of that damn thing. You see, I realized that I'm somewhat similar to him; we both quite want to gratify others and put the needs of others before our own. And for Sarthois, that personal trait made it possible for Deadache to grasp a hold of him, hold that turned out to be fatal in the end. She modified his personality quite a lot, she turned the loving and rather hearty character of his into monstrosity and bloodlust must like hers, she even created a new identity for him and he got re-named Korass; but all the time there was that need to please to make it all to happen. And that quite made me realize all the better how I'm just slowly tormenting myself for being more or less abusive towards my own needs. I try to please others way too much and it causes me hell a lot of anxiety at times, so I kinda need to beat up the needless truckling in myself before it kills me.
I just needed Deadache and that little miserable marionette of hers to really show me that in something-like practice. Ha.
And also Deadache's way of coping with the dark events in her life is something I could learn from. I have my own demons in my history, demons that I give way too much power, while this character just... is with all that has happened. She knows those shadows, she really knows them, she can recognize all those poor things she has brought to their end, but does she care? No. She can look at them straight into the eye and not even shiver nor shudder, without denying them, without trying to fight them or giving them the power to bring her down. There are times they try, and even times they manage to affect Deadache's mind with way or another, but that monster will never succumb to them for she has no remorse for what she has done.

So.
I'm god damn grateful for my own character.
I should beware, though, or she will grasp a hold of me too.
...unless she has done that already.